This post was written by Community Partner, Pleasure Coach & Sex Educator Andrea Bertoli.

Talking about sex is hard for most of us—in fact, it’s often more difficult to speak to our lovers about sex than to friends, strangers, or coaches. However, research shows that talking about sex with your partner  is foundational to having a great sex life. 

The conversation can become extra challenging when we want to change something about our sex life, like integrating Tantric practices and beginning your exploration of sacred sexuality. Here are some connecting and delightful ways to begin these expansive conversations with your lover. 

But first… it starts with yourself, babe! 

Sexuality Starts Within

The first conversation you need to have about sex with with yourself. I always remind my clients and students that you are your own best lover. Knowing yourself inside and out is foundational to building and maintaining a satisfying sex life with another human. 

This necessitates that you give yourself space, time, and stillness to get self-reflective. Begin to ask yourself… What do you want out of your sex life? Where is your sex life meeting your needs, and where is it lacking? What have you loved about previous partners, and what has been harmful or unsatisfying? Where have you been hiding parts of yourself, your desires, your sexuality? Have you recently read, watched, or discovered something that made you question the sex you are having? Is your body changing, and do you need to shift how you play? 

For those of you just beginning this exploration, I invite you into my deep-dive workbook full of questions, prompts, and conversations to help you discover your sensual self. Download, print, and give yourself space, and get curious. This is helpful for single folks and those that are partnered. We ALL need to do this work, for ourselves and for our lovers. 

In sexual partnerships, one + one doesn’t equal two—it’s actually three. 

You are your own sexual being.

Your partner is their own sexual being. 

And together you create a sexual partnership. 

You need to tend to you; they need to tend to themselves. And together you tend to your sexual relationship. Focusing on more mindful and conscious sexual practices can help you build depth over time. Here’s how to start.  

Exploring Sacred Sexuality and Tantra

After decades of performative, disconnected sex, I found myself diving into the realms of mindful sex and the sacred pleasure practices of Tantra to find out what ELSE is possible. And WOW, it was a lot. 

I began reading books, listening to podcasts, then taking online training, then in-person training, along with a lot of self-practice. I’m currently enrolled in a year-long program, to continue getting deeper… and will continue learning, forever.  

When I began this work, I was single and coming out of a terrible breakup. When I met a new lover, I told him that I was exploring some of this work, and while he wasn’t an expert, he was game to try the practices and play that inspired me. 

It wasn’t until I met my current partner, already on his own pathway to erotic expansion, that my sex life really changed. I’m now a decade into the work of sacred sexuality, and there’s always so much to explore on the journey on my own and with my lover.

However, many people do not have supportive or curious partners on their journey, and below I’ll share some thoughts about how to start some of the juicy conversations you’ll need to get deeper, together. 

Sex Talks: Be Playful, Curious, and Kind

If you and your babe have regular, ongoing conversations about sex and pleasure, good for you! Bringing up new ways to play and how you’d like to explore should be easier and more free-flowing.

But if you’re like most of my clients, you don’t EVER talk about sex. It’s just this thing you do together, sometimes. Maybe you fight about it on your way out the door or before a big event or just after having sex, but mostly you don’t speak about it. Or maybe you talk about it a lot, but it’s such a fraught, heavy conversation that it just leaves you disconnected and upset. 

To start the sex conversation anew, I recommend having a conversation about the conversion as a gentle way to start fresh. Here’s what this might look like: 

“My darling. I’ve been (reading/listening/thinking) about my sexuality and our sex life, and I’d like to find some time to talk about it with you. Are you open to having an open-ended conversation about our sex life? How about Saturday afternoon?”

This gentle meta conversation is helpful in a few ways: 

1. It doesn’t surprise them with a big topic. When asking to set aside time, you give them a chance to feel into their own feelings, and prepare themselves for a bigger conversation. 
2. You lead with your needs: I like, I need, I want, I feel. This can help avoid defensiveness.  
3. It becomes collaborative: you’re not demanding or requiring, nor are you blaming, shaming, criticizing. 
4. It’s not in-the-moment: don’t have sex conversations before, during, or right after sex. Most of us are tender and vulnerable when before/after sexy time, and bringing up a big conversation in that state might bring on some of the red flags I detail below. 

Assuming your partner is aligned and open to having such conversations, I recommend continuing to lead with your own needs, feelings, and desires. Here’s another example:

“I’ve been following this brilliant Tantric Sex Coach on Instagram, and I really like how she speaks about mindful sex. I would like to try to explore some of the sexy breathwork and Tantric practices that she recommends because I think it will help me feel more connected during sex. Would you be open to learning some of these practices together?”

And then let them ask questions: how do we do this? What exactly do you want? What is not working for you? 

And then give your partner time to speak about what they might like to explore with you, and give them the same grace and curiosity you ask of them. Why is this interesting? How would you like to add this into our play? One way to explore more of your sexual desires is using a Yes, No, Maybe list to help start the conversation. This can help you both open up to new ideas. 

Roadblocks to our Pleasure Conversations

Does it seem possible to have the conversations as mapped out above? Or do you worry that it won’t go that way with your babe? Here are some green and red flags to notice when in important conversations like this.  

Red Flags 🚩

• Watch out for The Four Horsemen: does your partner criticize you, show contempt, get defensive, or stonewall you? These are huge red flags in partnerships, according to decades of research by the Gottman Institute. If you find some or all of these in your conversations, a great Sex Coach or Sex Therapist could be helpful as a third-party observer.
• Do they shut down? Sometimes talking about sex is REALLY HARD for people, and without proper emotional self-regulation practices, they might just shut you out. Maybe they just need more time, or worse, maybe they are just not able to talk about hard things. In that case, how will YOU decide to build or stay? 
• Do they get mad? For many of us, our sexuality is ego-driven, performative, and part of our identity. So when someone wants something different, it can bring up grief, anger, or rage. Most of us develop a sense of sexual self when we’re much younger, and while we would ALL do better by learning and growing, not everyone wants to be on the growth path. If you’re still having sex the way you did at 18 (and don’t see a reason to update your sex scripts), these types of conversations will be confronting. And if your partner isn’t willing to grow and change in service of your partnership, you have some bigger decisions to make. 

Green Flags 💚

• They are curious, open, and ultimately delighted to learn more about you, help you explore your sexuality, and to try new things together.  
• They are willing to have a “beginner’s mind” about what they don’t know.
• They understand that everyone’s sex lives need to change as we age. Like our diets, exercise, sleep, and habits, these change as we mature and our bodies age. It’s the same with our sexual habits, sex routines, and our bodies—change is part of the process. 
• They are committed to your sexual growth… even if it doesn’t include them (ie: starting a new solo pleasure practice, taking a workshop, or buying new toys).  

An Ever-Unfolding Conversation

Our sex and sensuality changes over time, whether you’re single, partnered, or in-between relationships. This is normal, natural, and to be expected. Therefore, having conversations about sex is something that we need to always return to for ourselves. 

Oftentimes, when people have challenges in their sexual partnerships, it’s because we stopped focusing on our own sexuality as life force, as creativity, as an ENERGY. If we dim our own sexual glow, and stop having these conversations with ourselves, we’re likely going to stop having it with partners, too. 
There’s so much to understand about our vast emotional and sexual selves—and what fun it can be! Whether it’s learning how you’re sexually wired, finding better tools for emotional safety, knowing what your Erotic Blueprints are, and why you should schedule sex, there are unlimited ways to learn and explore more of who you are. And hopefully, with the tips above, you can have these conversations together and walk the path hand in hand.

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Want to get deeper, higher, and more sexy? 

For those that want to explore more about sacred sexuality and find deeper realms of pleasure, join my free, monthly online Mindful Sex workshops focused on juicy topics like this. I’ll be teaching a free workshop finding your deepest eroticism within on January 25, 2025. Until then, my work is available for your exploration: find my writings here on Conscious City Guide, get my shame-free pleasure education on Patreon, find me on my Instagram, or reach out to connect.  writings here on Conscious City Guide, get my shame-free pleasure education on Patreon, find me on my Instagram, or reach out to connect.

Andrea’s Upcoming Events:

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  Saturday Apr 11| Online

  Polarity & Desire: Mindful Sex Monthly [free]

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