Cultivating the Erotic Thread: Connection, Desire & Sex

This post was written by Community Partner, Pleasure Coach & Sex Educator Andrea Bertoli

In my work as a Sex Coach and Sex Educator, I speak a lot about how to integrate more mindful sexual practices. These mindful (or conscious) sex practices help us get out of unsatisfying sexual routines. In fact, mindful sex is an antidote to mindless or boring sex. My free monthly Mindful Sex classes offer attendees a chance to learn ways to integrate these practices on a daily basis for more delicious sex. 

Last month I taught about the Erotic Thread, the connecting point between sexual experiences. Tending the erotic thread is an antidote to expectation, routine, and the myth of ‘spontaneous sex.’ The Erotic Thread helps us honor the full range of our sexual selves, and keeps sex and eroticism integrated into our lives. So many of my clients separate out sex from the rest of their life, when really an integrated approach is what’s most healing—not because you have to have sex, but because sex is part of our wholeness.

What is the Erotic Thread?

The erotic thread is how we connect our last sexual experience with our next sexual experience. You can also think of it as the ‘simmer—’ how to keep your waters warm before your next boil. In more simple terms, it’s playing the long game in your relationship. 

The erotic thread is the in-between space of trust, flirtation, intimacy, connection, and play that allows us to stay connected erotically during these in-between times… even if you’re not having sex… no matter how long it is in-between.

Erotic threads are always present in long-term sexual relationships; we can tend to these connecting threads well using some of the tips I will share here in this below article. We can also tend to them poorly, or we can neglect them entirely. 

Tending & Neglecting the Erotic Thread

Positively charged erotic threads help us keep our sexual connection strong, fun, playful, and charged, assuming you’re having sex worth having. Sex worth having is sex that you like, no matter how often or with whom you’re having it. Do you feel safe (physically, emotionally, sexually)? Do you like the person you’re getting naked with? Do you trust this person and can you communicate with them about the dynamic emotions and experiences that make you, YOU? If yes, keep reading to find ways to tend to the erotic thread.

If you want to tend poorly to your erotic thread, you can turn away from your partner’s bids for connection, keep your phones/devices/TV/kids between you, allow sex to become a chore or to-do list item, make sex about pressure/coercion/duty, or keep sex performance-focused (ie: it only ‘counts’ if one or both of you has an orgasm). 

You can neglect your erotic thread entirely by assuming sex that is something that should just happen spontaneously, that it’s not something you need to talk about, and keep it separate from the rest of the relationship (ie: even if you feel distant or have had a fight, do it anyway). 

Positive Ways to Cultivate an Erotic Thread

Flirtation without expectation (or without escalation) was the phrase that came to mind as I was curating my agenda for the class. Remember to flirt with your person for the fun of it, not because it needs to ‘lead’ to something else. You can also learn to hold and make space for your desire, without making your partner responsible for it.  This is especially important to my men in heterosexual relationships AND yet, I see this show up in queer and straight couples in different ways. 

Another tool for tending is to remember these two foundational relationship frameworks: some of us have responsive desire, and others have spontaneous. Those of us that are responsive need time and space to warm up to the idea of desire, and therefore the erotic thread and maintaining sensual connection is extra important. 

You can honor your own responsiveness, but it’s your partner’s job to not make you responsible for their desire. Set the stage for connection and sensuality, create space for the energy to bloom without expectation that something HAS to happen. This also means learning to hold disappointment if the playdate didn’t go exactly as you wanted. But creating space for your person to find their desire, and then not find it, is deeply healing and will keep you more connected than if you rush it or force them to give in to your desire. Forcing might not be physical: it could look like pouting, grumbling, or withholding affection. 

The other framework is knowing that some of us need connection before sex; others need to have sex in order to feel connected. Learn how your partner is wired so that you can best show up for them. 

The Best Sex is the Sex You Talk About

Research shows that couples that talk about sex have more frequent and better sex. If you want to have sex worth having, you simply must talk about it. Yes, I know it’s hard to do, and yet sometimes these difficult conversations can be the most illuminating. And this takes practice, and it’s why Sex Coaches and Sex Therapists exist! 

In her new book, Come Together, Dr. Emily Nagoski reminds us that couples that have the best long-term sexual partnerships are those that like and admire each other, and make sex a priority for them. Learning to communicate about sex and pleasure, no matter how hard it is or how long it’s been since you talked about it, shows that you want to prioritize sex in your relationship. 

Another way to prioritize sex in your partnership is to learn to schedule sex. For so many of us, scheduled sex gives us something to plan for and we can build desire in anticipation. For those that believe in the myth of spontaneous sex… Well, it’s just that—a myth. Even in the hottest connections and most intense chemistry, most of us don’t actually have anything that spontaneous: we had to plan the date, find time to meet, decide to groom our bodies, wear something that feels good, and allow ourselves to get excited. For many people, this is more common in the early stages of a relationship when we’re literally high on the chemical cocktail of limerence (aka, new relationship energy). It takes off all the ‘brakes’ of daily life and allows us to be in the moment. But it’s ultimately not sustainable… and that’s TOTALLY NORMAL. 

Talking, thinking, and planning sex is how we create space for intentionality in our play. Learning to offer flirtation without expectation or escalation is how we learn to share our sexual energy without needing it to ‘go anywhere.’ Learning to honor responsiveness without feeling responsible for another’s desire is a gold-medal skill that great partners would do well to master. 

More About the Author: I help people build stronger relationships, create intimate communication, explore their desires, and practice sensual connection in a grounded, holistic way. My approach to coaching and teaching uses tools from Tantra, mindfulness, and yoga to help you find new ways of relating to yourself and others, and will create space for you to rethink sex and pleasure.

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