This post was written by Community Partner, Pleasure Coach & Sex Educator Andrea Bertoli

Sex parties, play parties, and ‘lifestyle’ events can be a great way to explore yourself, your sexuality, and your wildest self. Here are some tips from a Holistic Sex Coach about how to explore yourself at a sex party. 

I’ve been going to parties for a few years now, and each party has been so very different from the last. Rather than sharing salacious details about all the delicious things I’ve seen and done at said parties (and violating the privacy policy of these events), in this article I’ll share some best practices that my partner and I have learned during our first few years of experimentation. 

This is based on my own best practices, and has been informed by best practices of other educators, but it’s not a substitute for your own safety and intuition. Always do research (aka, vetting) of the event host, their consent protocols, their membership and/or attendees, and venue to ensure your ongoing safety. 

What I Learned from Going to Sex Parties

First, sex parties don’t have to be scary! Think of it like a giant house party: there are usually a high percentage of people lingering in the kitchen, some are in small groups chatting, while others wander around looking to meet people. Oh, and most people are in various stages of undress, and of course, on the couches and beds there might be people having sex with themselves or with others.

While the taboo of sex parties can be exhilarating, and it can be super fun to fantasize about going to them, I’ve found a lot of parties to be actually quite mild. This includes women-only play parties, but also kink parties, sex clubs, and mixed gender sex parties I’ve attended over the years.

And here’s something else I’ve noticed about play parties… most of the time I don’t actually have sex! Sometimes I’ve avoided sex because there wasn’t anyone that I wanted to play with (or that one time the pretty lady that caught my eye left after the first 10 minutes!). Other times it was because I didn’t think the event was safe or consentual enough, and sometimes I just wasn’t in the mood, despite my gorgeous outfit or how sparkly I was feeling. 

Great Sex-pectations… or Not

If you’re headed to your first sex party, here’s something that might surprise you. I don’t recommend going and expecting to have the orgy of your dreams! Having that big delicious orgy requires a bunch of people to be willing and able to join in the fun, and that might take some timing, logistics, and coordination to make happen. And also, if it’s your first time, you might need to experiment a bit more to become more comfortable, decide what you really want, and see if this party has what you need. 

If you’re new to the play party scene, you can start by ‘doing a lap’ to walk around and see what’s happening, who’s there, and get curious about what seems interesting. Maybe you find someone to talk with in the snack area, maybe you get to flirting with someone you saw on the way in, and maybe you look around and decide… meh. Also, not all sex parties are created equally: I’ve been to some play parties that were mostly conversation, and others that were way more… active. 

You also—always—get to choose your level of play. Maybe you’re feeling very playful that day and really want to see what your body is capable of… or maybe you’re feeling shy and just want to watch the events. Both are totally OK! Just because you go to a sex party doesn’t mean you have to have sex. 

Some events will have bracelets from which you can show your level of availability: green, yellow, and red. Green means YES, open to playing! Yellow means maybe; I’m not sure yet, but I’m open to being asked. Red usually means do not approach or ask me to play. Each venue (especially kink spaces) will have their version of this, and it’s good to know. One club we found had a list of like 20 different colors, reminiscent of flagging from the queer community. 

BYO-Toys, Lube, Safer Sex Accessories

You can absolutely bring your own fun to the party! Many parties will provide safer sex accessories (condoms, dental dams, and lube), but if you have a particular type of lube or brands of the safer sex items you prefer, you should absolutely bring them. You can also bring toys! Whether you’re going alone or with a partner, masturbation might be part of your play. Maybe you sneak off to a corner to watch what’s going on, while pleasuring yourself? Maybe you invite a new friend to play? Or maybe it’s just your favorite toy to create the most possible pleasure. Whatever you like to use, bring it to ensure you’ll have a great time, even if it’s solo. 

Depending on the party, you may also want to bring your own sheets, waterproof blankets (for those of us that are squirters), bath items, and a change of clothes so that you can take a Lyft  home without goopy lube in your hair. Usually there are lockers or safe spaces to drop your stuff. 

Going to a Sex Party with your Partner

Going to a play party with your babe can be really fun—and can be tricky if you don’t have some good, honest conversations beforehand. Below are some questions you might consider chatting about weeks or days before going to your first sex party. 

There’s no RIGHT answer, but do be true to yourself. If you really are not ready to play with others—and just want to go to the party to take a peek—be honest with yourself and with them. Be curious about what they want to experience and where your own limits are, too. While at the party, there might be surprises in the moment, so setting up a communication or check-in protocol for the party itself could be helpful.

• Do you want to play together or separately? 
• What if someone wants to play with me, but not you? 
• What are our safer sex protocols with others? 
• Do you have any hard limits (things you’d never want to do)?
• Are we arriving together and leaving together? 
• Are we looking to meet someone for one night only, or might this become something more? 
• Is there something you’d like to try to experience (a hot threesome with a stranger, a glory hole blowjob, or a sexy striptease for each other… in front of others)? The possibilities are limitless, and it’s good to think together about what might be fun. 

Just because you want it to happen doesn’t mean it will, but it’s good to have some idea about what might be fun while you’re there. 

At the last big sex party my partner and I went to, he requested that he wanted us to have sex together. This was a big event in a new city (there were about 150 people, and we didn’t know anyone), and we were both a little bit nervous. Having this intention made him feel grounded, and allowed us to be relaxed as we checked out the space, worked to find a location that would feel good, and checked out who was there that might pique our interest. While I did find one VERY pretty transwoman to flirt with, she ultimately said she wasn’t up for playing that night. So, it was a party for two, as we settled onto the living room-sized bed and had our own sexy Tantric experience just us two, surrounded by dozens of others in their own version of sexy bliss. 

If you want more ways to explore play parties, I recommend Dr. Zhana Vrangalova is an educator based in New York that speaks a lot about what to expect at play parties. Her experience is quite different from mine (it probably helps that she’s going to parties in one of the sexiest cities on earth) and she is a great resource for events and strategies for playing. 

How to Find a Sex Party

There are so many places to play! Most social media doesn’t allow advertising for spicy events like this, so you’ll need to find alternative routes. One way I find cool events is a conscious event apps called Plura. Plura hosts workshops, events, and offers you a chance to meet people for dating or friendship. I like it because it’s queer, kinky, body positive, and they put on tons of lovely, conscious events. I list all my events on their platform, and I love it for the reach and type of people I meet there. 

You may also connect with like-minded friends on Feeld, the dating app for non-monogamous folks. Meeting new people might help you find new venues or play partners… sometimes you need to find other playful sluts that can help you get out there! 

For bisexual or bi-curious babes, check out Skirt Club. This London-based organization hosts global events, parties, and online workshops only for women. I’m one of their Ambassadors, and I love their organization. 

Another online option is FetLife. It’s like Facebook for kinky folks, and it will (likely) be a good place to see what’s happening in your town (or next closest city). Even if the exact events you find don’t sound interesting to you, you may be able to use it to find cool venues, classes, and meet people in the sex positive community. FetLife is very explicit and NSFW, so just know what you’re diving into!

You can also look for ‘lifestyle clubs’ in your area. Being ‘in the lifestyle’ generally refers to those in the swinger community, which is (usually) straight-presenting couples that play (or swap) with other couples. There are, of course, variations on this theme, so be prepared to ask questions of any swinger couples or swingers events. Some, but not all, swingers spaces are deeply heteronormative and may not be as welcoming to queer folks.  

As you venture into a play party at a new venue, here are some questions to consider: 

• Do you know who’s coming? Is there an app, chat group, or website where you can meet and chat with some of the attendees ahead of time? This might help you make flirty connections that you can put into action at the party. 
• How do they address queer sexuality? If you’re queer or trans, do some research about the event and hosts to ensure that you (and any partners or lovers) will be treated with respect by all other attendees. 
• Who are the hosts? How long have they been hosting? What are their consent protocols? What is their policy on harassment and consent violations? 
• What is the venue? Is it a house party with a few rooms and couches, or is it a lavish DTLA penthouse set up specifically for play parties? Do they have hosts, consent angels, or dungeon monitors to ensure safety of attendees? Sometimes venues are secret (aka, don’t tell the doorman you’re going to the sex party at apartment 401), while others are public play spaces. Know the code of ethics you’re walking into. 
• Most importantly… what is the dress code? 😉Some parties have costume themes where you can go all out, and others are more casual. Usually it’s ‘vanilla to the door’ and then costumes come out once you’re inside. 

Sober: To Be or Not to Be

This is a VERY nuanced conversation. Many play parties, especially but not exclusively those in the kink space, are sober events. But others are not sober, and may include drinks as part of the entrance fee. Others still will provide mixers if you provide your own alcohol. 

While creating a sober party isn’t foolproof (I’m sure people sneak in their own beverages and/or substances) it does tell you something about the host and maybe the attendees, too. If we assume that those that are under the influence cannot consent fully, then having sober parties is a great idea. But consent and sobriety can be tricky, so this is where trusting yourself is extra important. 

I heard an interesting argument against sober play parties from a consent activist. She insisted that requiring sobriety takes away the autonomy of those that know their body, their limits, and those that actually need substances to feel their fullest, sexiest selves. For example, my partner and I love using MDMA when we have sex. We know our limits, and we’d feel safe doing this around others as a way to enhance our own experience. But, at sober parties I know that isn’t allowed, so we’ve not yet played that way. But for others, this might be the only way they feel free to be their wildest, sexiest, queerest selves. So should they have access to the substances they know and love? 

I’m not here to tell you what’s right for you, just to help you consider your options. You know yourself best—if a glass of wine or a puff of a joint helps you get in the mood or take away some anxiety, it might be good to indulge. Just know the rules of your upcoming event, and make your best choice for you in the moment.  

There is so much more to share about play parties, and what you can expect. If you want to continue the conversation, join me on Patreon to learn more about how we play, find answers to all your pleasure education, and get your burning questions answered. 

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Want to get deeper, higher, and more sexy? 
For those that want to explore more about sacred sexuality and find deeper realms of pleasure, join my free, monthly online Mindful Sex workshops focused on juicy topics like this. I’ll be teaching a free workshop finding your deepest eroticism within on January 25, 2025. Until then, my work is available for your exploration: find my writings here on Conscious City Guide, get my shame-free pleasure education on Patreon, find me on my Instagram, or reach out to connect.

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