8 Tools for Better Intimate Partnerships
This post was written by Community Partner, Pleasure Coach & Sex Educator Andrea Bertoli
Relationships can be fun, playful, and connected. But can we also use relationships for healing?
The answer, from this Tantric coach and Sex Educator, is a huge, affirming HELL YES.
Absolutely, relationships can be deeply healing—if both partners (all partners) are on board for the journey. This journey is co-created: it is not kind nor fair to EXPECT your partner to heal you. Your partner is not your coach, therapist, or doctor. However, if both partners agree to do their own healing work and commit to growth together, then relationships can be powerful catalysts for deep healing. I know, because I’m in that type of partnership right now, for the first time in my life.
The Upward Spiral of Our Relating
When we met, my partner and I were both coming out of a decade of emotionally abusive partnerships. We were both on the healing journey individually—him with therapy, pharmaceuticals, and Tantra practice, and me with psychedelics, self-healing, and Tantra practice. When we met, we had some shared experience of healing, though I don’t think either of us knew it would be possible to connect so deeply and create so much healing.
We’re both coming from emotionally unstable childhood situations and abusive relationships, so this is SO IMPORTANT for us to build emotional safety, sexual safety, relational safety. In his abusive partnership, he was emotionally punished, shut out, and under coercive control; in my partnership with a narcissist in a polyamorous dynamic I was financially and emotionally abused. Knowing these things are true about each of us, we each chose to show up in a new type of partnership with the intention of healing those specific wounds.
My babe is a therapist and I’m a coach, so not only are these tools rooted in our personal experience, they are also great professional tools I would offer to clients and students. These foundational tools help us both cultivate safety in our partnership, and it makes for a lovely, healing upward spiral. The more he feels safe, the more he can show up; the more he shows up, the more attuned I can be.
8 Tools for Building Emotional Safety
Here are some of our favorite emotionally healing tools that we use on the daily to keep each other feeling connected, present, and safe.
1. Practicing nervous system co-regulation: We have individual and shared practices that focus on breathing, creating felt presence, and tuning into self and other. Sometimes just a few deep breaths can help us downregulate individually. Likewise, a few connected (shared) breaths can help us feel very deeply entwined. I use practices from yoga to help me be more mindful, and this directly impacts my connection to myself and my Love.
2. Learn to have better conversations with each other. Sounds simple, but it’s actually very important to practice getting deeper with your partner. It’s easy to get distracted with day-to-day logistics and miss the absolute WONDER that is your human. This can be especially hard if you’re stuck in a conversation rut. If you need guidance to spark conversations, I particularly like The Skin Deep and Esther Perel’s ‘game.‘
3. Learn about Attachment Theory and how to work with each other. We have individually and together done work on this. Attachment isn’t the only lens through which we can learn about our partnership, but it’s helpful. Here’s our primer on how to work with attachment theory.
4. Be clear about your relationship agreements. This gives you space to define your partnership and your shared relationship dynamics. This is important whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous. Why? I’ve had clients tell me that watching porn is cheating in their partnership, but the other partner doesn’t agree—of course, this creates conflict months or years into the partnership. Likewise, those in non-monogamous dynamics need to be clear about what’s permissible and what’s not. What do you think is cheating? Can I flirt with the sexy barista, can I send flirty texts, do we go to sex parties together? There’s nothing wrong with being monogamous, but it means different things for different folks! Same for non-monogamous or polyamorous babes. We all understand relationships and connections differently—get clear on what’s important for you.
5. Have a Third Thing: What can you bond over? For us, the Ultimate Sex Nerds… It’s all things EROTIC! We both work in this space, play in this space, and like to commit to sexuality in lots of ways. Maybe your Third Thing is pickleball, or film, or travel. What do you share together that’s exciting for both of you and keeps the energy, curiosity, and excitement high in your relationship? Dr. Emily Nagoski reminds us that the couples that have the best sex lives are friends that prioritize sex, and have a third thing to share.
6. Get really good at owning your SHIT! Learn how to be emotionally regulated, take responsibility for your stuff, and do the work to be emotionally intelligent. For some, this is therapy, for others it’s healing childhood wounds, learning to create boundaries, or doing the self-care of pleasure. Healing is non-linear, and we all start in different places. The couples in my practice that have the best outcomes are those that have WILLINGNESS to learn and grow.
7. Mentalization: This tool comes from my therapist husband. Mentalization means understanding that we have our own biases, ethical framework, and different subjectivity. Learn to hold space and be more empathetic. “Your experience is different from mine, and while I don’t feel exactly like you do, I can hold space for your different feelings.”
8. Attunement: Embodiment is the felt sense of self; attunement is tuning into the other and caring for them. This doesn’t mean being a doormat, or over-giving. But it does mean that I PAY ATTENTION to my Beloved as he moves throughout his day. I can notice his energy, his mood, and be attuned to how he’s moving in the world. It’s not my job to feel what he’s feeling, but to be differentiated, and practice holding space for what’s up with him. And of course, he does the same for me. Attunement is important in sexual play, too!
Those are our eight favorite tools to deepen our connection and continually create an emotionally safe relationship. This work is deeply important to me: I know that as an individual I can do a lot of healing on my own, but having a safe partnership within which I can do additional exploration with safety and care has been so beautiful. What tools would you add to this list? What has helped you and your babe?
Want to get deeper, higher, and more sexy?
For those that want to explore more about sacred sexuality and find deeper realms of pleasure, join my free, monthly online Mindful Sex workshops focused on juicy topics like this. I’ll be teaching a free workshop finding your deepest eroticism within on January 25, 2025. Until then, my work is available for your exploration: find my writings here on Conscious City Guide, get my shame-free pleasure education on Patreon, find me on my Instagram, or reach out to connect. writings here on Conscious City Guide, get my shame-free pleasure education on Patreon, find me on my Instagram, or reach out to connect.
More About the Author: I help people build stronger relationships, create intimate communication, explore their desires, and practice sensual connection in a grounded, holistic way. My approach to coaching and teaching uses tools from Tantra, mindfulness, and yoga to help you find new ways of relating to yourself and others, and will create space for you to rethink sex and pleasure.
Andrea’s Upcoming Events:
- Saturday Mar 14| Online
Multi-Orgasmic Journeys: Mindful Sex Monthly [free]
