His Sacred Yes: A Journey Into Arousal

His sacred yes:

A Journey Into Arousal

This post was written by Community Partner, Holistic Pleasure Coach & Sex Educator Andrea Bertoli.

Slow Sexuality for Men

Last month I wrote about finding organic arousal for women. This is a beautifully rich and nuanced topic, and we can all benefit from time spent exploring our deepest pleasure.

And when I shared the blog on socials, I heard the question, “What about the men?”

Yes, let’s talk about the men, and how their sexual expression needs tenderness and care, too. In this article, I’ll speak mostly about heterosexual relationships (because that’s mostly what I’ve coached and what I’ve lived), but this wisdom is applicable to everybody.

Stunted Sex for Men

Toxic tropes about men’s sexuality abound: men are dirty horndogs that want all the sex they can get; they’re ready to go all the time; ‘boys will be boys;’ men can’t find the clitoris; Big Dick Energy, they just want to get off and don’t care about others… and on and on.

Some of these might be true for you, the human reading this post. Maybe you ARE ready to go all the time; maybe you don’t actually know where the clitoris is on your lover’s body. But generally, these tropes keep men in small boxes of what men’s sexuality ‘should be’ and limits them from being their full sexual selves, and striving for MORE sexually.

If we’re not taught that men’s sexuality is as vast and multi-dimensional as women’s sexuality, why would they ever pursue more?

We all know that women go to therapy and coaching in much higher percentages than men, and while men need to take their own initiative to do so, we can support the men in our lives by avoiding these tropes, getting curious about their deepest sexuality, and giving them space to be their full selves. I’ve seen first-hand in my work that we ALL benefit from professional guidance, presence, and kindness on our sexual journey, and we need friends and lovers that perpetuate love, not harm.

Shame-Free Sexuality for Men

So many of our problems in our sexuality begin with shame. For you, this might be social, cultural, or personal for you—or a blend of all of the above and more. When we don’t address the root shame that we were taught (directly or indirectly) by our culture, family, religion, peer group and others, we may adopt habits and patterns that don’t serve us. Maybe this means only giving yourself permission to feel desire one way, or have sex one way, or avoiding exploration of new desires or new bodies. Shame creates masks for our most authentic sexual selves.

Uncovering these unconscious scripts (and rewriting new ones from a place of love and tenderness) can set us free sexually. Learning to talk about sex is the first step in the journey, and then you get to a sense of true freedom when you share your deepest desires, feel the whole range of your emotional depth, and give yourself permission to explore the sex you really want in new ways.

Ask yourself now, what’s one desire you’ve never spoken aloud? Something about your sexuality you have never shared with your lover? That little sparkle of energy you’ve not yet tended to in your desire map?

Slow Sex for Men

Slowing down our sex and focusing on pleasure is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your lover. Yes, give yourself quickies to put yourself to sleep. But for the majority of your masturbation and sex, going slow is the directive from this Sex Coach.

Slowness gives us multiple ways to re-sensitize our bodies and minds to more subtle pleasures, and it helps prepare us for better sex with our lovers. Most men masturbate as a sprint and have sex the same way. Now we focus on the marathon.

You can start practicing slowness on your own, using an edging practice or mindful erotic practice. Be slow with your touch, be slow with your arousal. When you’re with your partner, be slow with your entry into their body, be slow with thrusting.

Edging and mindful erotic touch is the foundation to your sexual self-mastery. Not only do you get to access deeper pleasure and expanded sensation, an edging practice helps you learn more about your body, explore pleasure in different ways, and learn to hold more arousal.

Exploratory Sex for Men

If you were going to start training for powerlifting or big wave surfing, you’d hire an amazing coach to guide you—so, too, with sexuality. Being ever-curious about your own body, your erotic mosaic, your desires, and your ability to communicate is what makes for a fabulous sex life for yourself and your partner.

Continue to rewrite your sexual scripts to peel away layers and help you become more fully expressed. This is especially important as we age; revisiting your sexuality throughout your decades makes space for your body as it is now (not who you used to be). Your body, desires, erectile predictability, and so much more will change as you age; so should your sex.

One of the ways you can start now to become a more delicious lover is to practice presence. The edging practice above offers you a glimpse into the physical possibilities of presence and awareness. Learning to hold your sexual energetics is the next level of exploration of a truly mindful lover. When you show up in this way—present, slow, attuned—you’ll find that so much possibility opens up in your partner.

Sacred Sexuality for Men

I love working with men to help them discover more of their sexuality, and one of the yummiest ways to explore this is through a lens of conscious or sacred sexuality.

Bringing in mindfulness, presence, and a conscious sexual energy takes sex from the realm of physical (a short duration, friction-based, genital experience) to something that is connected, healing, perhaps even transcendent. Do you know how much untapped power there is in your cock, and its true healing potential?What does this feel like for me, as a woman with a male partner? By being present and making space for my full spectrum organic arousal, and being slow and steady with my body, my partner creates space for my nervous system to relax. When I relax, I can lean into pleasure in new ways. When we lean into pleasure in new ways, we build connection to each other and to our spiritual connection. If you’re craving more connection and embodiment in sex, love, and relationships, join me on September 7 for a free workshop on sacred sexuality.

Want to get deeper, higher, and more sexy?

For those that want to explore more about sacred sexuality and find deeper realms of pleasure, join my free, monthly online Mindful Sex workshops focused on juicy topics like this. I’ll be teaching a free workshop exploring your multi-dimensional erotic self on August 2, 2025. Until then, my work is available for your exploration: find my writings here on Conscious City Guide, get my shame-free pleasure education on Patreon, find me on my Instagram, or reach out to connect.

More About the Author: Andrea is a queer, non-monogamous, kinky Tantrika that works with individuals and couples of all sexual/relational orientations, with a specific focus on mixed-orientation couples. She facilitates in-person and online events, and has a membership-based sex education platform on Patreon. She lives in Berkeley, California.