This post was written by Community Partner, Holistic Pleasure Coach & Sex Educator Andrea Bertoli.

How often have you sacrificed your deepest pleasure on the altar of people-pleasing?

“Sometimes I just let him put it in when I’m not ready.”

“He doesn’t give me enough foreplay and sex hurts.”

“I often orgasm during partnered sex because I take too long… I am obviously broken.” 

“I don’t usually know what I like or what feels good; I just do what they want.”

I’ve heard these phrases from clients, students, friends—and in years past, I’ve said versions of them to myself. These are not just one-off complaints or small challenges. Any one of these phrases signals a disconnect from our own arousal and agency. My mission in life is to help women reclaim their deepest pleasure by returning to themselves.

What Is Arousal, Really?

Arousal is more than being wet or hard. It’s a slow, multi-layered process that involves the mind, body, sex, and spirit.

Arousal is the (often) slow, complex build of sensation and physiological responses in the body. Arousal might look like increased heart rate, breathing faster or deeper, flushing in the skin, a hint of your senses coming alive, an awakening in the genitals, lubrication of the vagina and/or engorgement of the penis. There’s also increased blood flow to the genitals, which you may or may not feel. There’s also mental arousal: feeling less inhibited, more curious, more playful, turned on in your brain. Everything feels more… awake!

Most of us focus exclusively on the most direct physical arousal responses in the body to ‘know’ when we’re turned on—am I wet enough, or, am I hard enough? 

But as you can see above, there is a complex flow of physiological responses that may indicate arousal—these are what I want you to pay attention to when you’re exploring sexually. Most of us have become accustomed to rushing past these subtle signals, or ignoring them altogether. Coming back into noticing is the key to connecting with your organic arousal.

Tuning into the most subtle, slow arousal responses in your body, in a natural, slower flow, is how you tap into your organic arousal. I’ve been using the phrase organic arousal for a few months now… speaking into existence and trying to find the feeling of its edges on my tongue and in my brain.

Avoid the Rush; Find the Slow Flow 

Many of us learned to touch ourselves quickly and secretly. We still carry the residue of shame or fear around pleasure. And in partnership, we often jump to genital touch and intense stimulation before our body is truly ready.

Rushing teaches us (and our partners) to override our body’s signals. It disconnects us from sensation, from presence, and from the felt sense of desire itself. And it keeps us within our pleasure ceiling. 

The first thing you need to do in order to find your organic arousal is to slow the fuck down. The second thing is to practice noticing the subtle sensations in your own beautiful body. The third thing to do is to communicate what’s happening in your body with yourself and with anyone that is blessed to be naked with you.

Slowing down is literally the most important thing I teach people.

Below is a written guide to a mindful erotic practice that will take you into a deeper, more mindful pleasure. Give yourself at least 30 minutes up to an hour (yes, a full hour of pleasure) to explore this pathway. Orgasm isn’t the goal—invite yourself to feel self-compassion, mindful awareness, and deep self-consent moment-to-moment. Would you rather listen? Find my guided audio practice here.

A Guided Sensual, Mindful Erotic Practice

This mindful erotic practice gives you space, time, and some direction to explore your body, your breath, your pelvic floor, your senses, and your own self-consenting touch. To set yourself up for success, make sure you have full privacy so you can relax as much as possible. Set a timer for 30-60 minutes, or use a playlist you love (try this one on my Spotify). Grab some of your favorite massage oil and/or lube; my go-to for both body oil and lube is organic coconut oil.

You can continue to follow your own pleasure impulse… if you don’t know what to do next, keep your hands cupped on your pussy until she guides you. Do you want more breast massage? Or touch of your belly or legs? Do you want direct touch and stimulation? Do you want to orgasm? Do you want to take a nap instead? GREAT. Do you want to just feel the energy in yourself and let it fuel your day? AWESOME. Enjoy the afterglow of your own mindful self-love and see how it can fuel your life.

Begin to slowly undress yourself, as if you are showing off for a lover. Lay yourself down (or stand in front of a mirror).

Begin by stroking your neck, face, arms, chest/breasts, belly, thighs… again, act as if you were touching a new lover. Slowly, with curiosity and kindness. If judgements or unkind words emerge, gently quiet those voices and say out loud to yourself: I deserve to love my body.

With your hands still gently stroking your soft body, start to engage with your breath. 

Use deep belly (diaphragmatic) breaths to engage your parasympathetic nervous system (aka, rest and digest).

Once you feel your nervous system shift (maybe three or five minutes), begin to gently engage your pelvic floor muscles (aka, pubococcygeus muscles, or PC).

You can feel both aspects of your pelvic floor by imagining you’re lifting a blueberry inside your vagina, or pretending to hold in a fart. See the video for an explanation of this process.

Breathe in and engage your PC muscles; exhale and relax. Try this ten times (be sure to relax fully).

Then reverse directions: breathe in and relax the PC muscles; exhale and engage.

One of these directions will feel better or more natural than the other—there’s no wrong way! It’s about awareness, not perfection.

Go back to the breath that feels most natural and do it 10 more times. Notice if you feel fatigue, arousal, sensation, emotions… or something else.

Now bring in your mindful awareness into your senses: what can you see in the room with you, what can you smell, what can you hear, what can you taste, what does the touch feel like… and what would make it 5% better? Feel into each of the senses again, and checking to see what could be a bit better. Might you need some socks, a sip of water, music louder or quieter? YOU GET TO CHOOSE whatever you want. 

Warm some natural oil or your favorite lube in your hands. Use one or both hands to cup your vulva, holding this soft part of your body. Breathe into the firm but gentle touch—really meet yourself in this way.

Begin to VERY gently add pressure with your hands, gently waking up your vulva from the outside in.

Slowly stroke your outer labia, then the inner labia. Go slower than you have ever touched before, and then slow it down again. 

Remember to breathe gently into your pleasure, adding some pelvic floor engagement. 

Notice how it feels in your body. See how many squeeze/relax rounds you can do while still touching yourself: does it enhance or distract from your pleasure?

Knowing that our whole clitoral complex can take 20-40 minutes to become fully aroused, notice where you might be in YOUR ORGANIC AROUSAL.

See how long you can HOLD and FEEL your pleasure without climaxing—this actively helps you expand your pleasure ceiling.

Notice what your body really wants: practice whole-body consent. Do you want more direct stimulation, or softer touch? Do you want to penetrate yourself with fingers or a toy? Get really curious about your organic flow: not what is best, fastest, or easiest… but bringing in curiosity.

Remind yourself over and over that pleasure is MEDICINE, and you deserve to know and love your body this way.

---

Want to get deeper, higher, and more sexy? 

For those that want to explore more about sacred sexuality and find deeper realms of pleasure, join my free, monthly online Mindful Sex workshops focused on juicy topics like this. I’ll be teaching a free workshop exploring your multi-dimensional erotic self on August 2, 2025. Until then, my work is available for your exploration: find my writings here on Conscious City Guide, get my shame-free pleasure education on Patreon, find me on my Instagram, or reach out to connect. 

Andrea’s Upcoming Events:

• 

  Saturday May 9| Online

  Reckoning & Repair: Love in Adulthood Monthly [free]

  Event Info