What is the Pleasure Ceiling (and how do you work with it)?

This post was written by Community Partner, Pleasure Coach & Sex Educator Andrea Bertoli

Our bodies are amazing—and they are quite literally built for pleasure. There is an unlimited capacity within all of us for more expansive, nourishing, and joyful pleasure. But most of us have an invisible pleasure ceiling that’s holding us back from our deepest, richest pleasure. However, just like glass ceilings, your pleasure ceiling is meant to be shattered!

Wired for Pleasure

There are unlimited ways to experience pleasure in our bodies—from the scalp of our head to the tips of our toes, every single centimeter of skin has pleasure potential. Even now, you can imagine the sensation of cool breeze on hot skin; the flavor of a fresh strawberry on your tongue; and the silky feeling of oil on your nipples.

But, many of us have become scared of pleasure and sensation. Whether from trauma, nervous system disregulation, or disconnection from our bodies (or a combination of all three), we might not have access to all our pleasure receptors or we might actually shy away from pleasure-seeking. But, embodiment practices and practice can help us unwind old patterns and literally build new pleasure pathways for our body.

In this article, I’m going to share my favorite ways to break through your pleasure ceiling and help you find new ways to increase your body’s capacity for pleasure.

Your Relationship to Pleasure

When you think about pleasure, ask yourself these few questions:

When I self-pleasure, do I always take the same pathway?
Does my tried and true self-pleasure method lead directly to orgasm?
Do I start stimulation (solo or partnered) directly on my genitals?
When I’m moving along my sex script (your path from X, to Y, to Z), do I touch other parts of my body or just the ‘hot spots’ or erogenous zones?
When I’m having sex, with myself or with others, do I chase my orgasm? Am I always trying to run for the sexual ‘finish line?’
Is sexy time finished when someone(s) has an orgasm?

In my experience, my students and clients (and historically, myself) would have answered yes to all these questions. If you did that too… great, you’re NORMAL. This is often the sex that is modeled for us and the sex script that we’re sold as ‘normal.’

There is nothing wrong with staying right where you are. If you want to keep following the same pathways each time you have sex because it’s easy, reliable, predictable, and safe, please carry on and enjoy your favorite type of pleasure.

However, if you have reached a point in your solo or partnered play where those same pathways leave you wanting more; if you feel like you’re missing out; if you just want to learn MORE about what’s possible, please keep reading. Ahead you’ll find ways to approach sex and pleasure in novel, interesting, and fun ways.

What is the Pleasure Ceiling?

The pleasure ceiling is the current limit of sensations and arousal we feel in our bodies. When we approach self-pleasure and partnered pleasure in the same ways each time, we build functional and reliable pleasure pathways that get the job done.

A gymnast can get stronger at their triple back flippy things; a chef can continually improve the timing of their soufflé; you can continually refine and enhance the many ways you feel pleasure in your body. No matter your age or your sexual experience you can learn to pay attention in new ways, create new sensations, build new neural pathways, and increase the amount of pleasure you feel in your whole body. Just like building new neural pathways (with skills-building, psychedelics, or therapy) can help keep our brain healthy, finding new ways to pleasure improves our capacities and keeps sex interesting. It also means you can keep expanding the idea of what is pleasurable.

Widen the Staircase: Sherri Winston’s Model of Arousal

Sherri Winston’s description of pleasure expansion via the staircase model is a way to think about expanding your pleasure ceiling. In her wonderful book, Women’s Anatomy of Arousal and in her online masterclass, Sherri asks us to think of pleasure like a 10-step staircase. The first step is being non-aroused, and all the steps along the way are your unique arousal process; step ten is orgasm(s). You can’t start at the top of a staircase, you need to walk up to it.

You can climb your staircase in a linear way, up-up-up and up until you reach the top. You can stop midway and stay a little longer. Back off from intense, direct stimulation and try something else. Take a tea break. Bring it back to kissing. See below for other ways to stay a bit longer in high arousal states.

Sherri talks about widening the steps near top (the higher arousal states of 7,8,9 on a 1-10 scale) so that you can expand the available sensations in these high arousal states. Neurobiology research shows us that these high arousal states allow the amygdala—the part of the human brain that controls fight or flight responses—to turn off. The higher the arousal, the more fear recedes, and the more open, curious, and playful you can be in the moment. Being in this state is a bit like being drugged (Sherri calls it a trance state), so have consent agreements in place. Within this consent framework, you might find yourself more open to new experiences and practices to deepen your pleasure.

Make Pleasure the Goal (not orgasm)

Another excellent way to expand your pleasure capacity is to forget about getting to the top of the staircase entirely—don’t make orgasm the goal of sex. You don’t need to orgasm, you can just PLAY!

Reframing sex in this way is one of my favorite recommendations for folks that want to learn how to have deeper, more connected, and more intimate sex. Pop culture and porn show us that sex ends when someone has an ejaculatory orgasm. That someone is usually a man in a heterosexual pairing, and there is no reason we have to continue to have sex only in this way. Instead, try to shift the goal of sexy play time into just that: time to play, connect, give and receive pleasure, and experience delight with no destination.

The other way to play in the realm of expansion is to try something new in combination with your go-to moves. For example, when I wanted to learn how to explore anal play for myself, I utilized some of my favorite pleasure practices (nipple play and vibrators) while also adding on some external anal stimulation. At first, there wasn’t much happening… but after some time practicing, this heretofore underutilized part of my body became very sensitive, and opened up (literally) a new world of pleasure.

Expansion.

Exploration.

Moving beyond what we know.

Finding all the ways we’re wired for pleasure.

This is how we continually expand our pleasure ceilings: practice staying with the pleasure; avoid chasing the orgasms; and learning to build new pleasure in our bodies. Please reach out to connect about your pathways to a more conscious sexuality. You can also join my free monthly Mindful Sex events to dive into topics about sex and spirituality.

More About the Author: I help people build stronger relationships, create intimate communication, explore their desires, and practice sensual connection in a grounded, holistic way. My approach to coaching and teaching uses tools from Tantra, mindfulness, and yoga to help you find new ways of relating to yourself and others, and will create space for you to rethink sex and pleasure.