sexless partnerships: lets talk about it

Sexless Partnerships:

Let’s Talk About It

This post was written by Community Partner, Pleasure Coach & Sex Educator Andrea Bertoli.

There are so many different ways to be sexual in a partnership. Some couples have a lot of sex, some have a bit less, some have sex with other people, while some couples have no sexual activity ever. As long as everyone is in agreement about the type of sexual relationship you have co-created, any configuration can work.

But if you’re not in agreement, or when a relationship that was once sexual becomes sexless, it can bring up shame, hurt, and confusion. For some people, sexless partnerships might also bring relief from the ‘work’ of sexual expression.

In this article, we’ll look at the delicate topic of sexless or unfulfilling sexual partnerships. We’ll look at the how/why this happens with couples, how to find your own erotic self within such a dynamic, and when (and if) to set yourself free.

Among the many delicate topics I hold space for with my clients and students, sexless partnerships are one of the most tender. If you find yourself in this type of partnership, take a deep breath, and let’s dive in.

If you’re currently in a satisfying sexual partnership, you should continue reading, so that you can find more about how to tend to your eroticism in yourself and your partnership to avoid this type of situation.

What Does Sexless Really Mean?

My Beloved partner, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Sex Therapist, reminds us that the definition of sexless partnerships is sexual activity ten times or less per year. While the clinical definition might give you some baseline information, it doesn’t tell us much about your specific situation.

Sexless might feel like other things, too.

You don’t share any physical affection with your partner
You are discouraged or explicitly told not to masturbate or self-pleasure.
Your partner has ‘maintenance sex’ or ‘duty sex’ with you.
You can tell your partner isn’t present when you’re having sex; they are checked out or mentally unavailable.

Sexuality is so much more broad that just the intercourse we are (or are not) having: it’s the whole ecosystem of intimacy in a partnership.

Sexual Expression is a Relational Need

Many people don’t realize that sexual expression is a valid relational need. For some of us, this need is more important than in others. Knowing this about yourself and creating space for this in partnership is a two-person job, and ideally, something that would have been negotiated in the early stages of the relationship. Assuming you both want to be sexually connected during your time together, you’ll need to be evaluating on an ongoing basis. I like to think of this as being in service of my erotic energy, and in service of my partner’s erotic energy.

The question to consider during the course of the relationship is, How can we both be in service of our own erotic energy, and in service of the eroticism of the relationship?

We need to be in conversation about this, because our bodies, hearts, minds, desires, and needs change over time. If we’re both committed to being in service of our own erotic energy, then we can learn and grow as we age together, and find the myriad of ways to keep sexual energy alive in self and partnership.

You never owe your partner sex—whether out of duty, pressure, or expectation. Having sex that we don’t want trains our body to neglect our innate desire, and override our sense of safety.

And yet, if you’ve reached an impasse in your sex life where you’re not getting your needs met, what should you do?

Pathways to Healing

Sexlessness might only be bothersome for one person, but it’s definitely a two-person solution. What can you do when you find yourself in a sexless dynamic?

There are two primary ways this can manifest: either your partner is willing to work on this, or they are not. We’ll look at each in turn.

If your partner is willing to work on it…

Maybe you got overwhelmed with a new promotion at work, had a child, went through a big illness, or just over time, the sexual connection lost its spark. This is normal and happens to a lot of couples, and you can come back from it.

One of the first things to do is connect with a trusted therapist or sex coach that can help you work through the myriad of feelings that arise from this loss of connection. Within the container, you can explore the reasons for the loss of sexual connection, practices you can do to explore yourselves, and pathways back into connection with each other.

This might include education about desire, physiology, arousal, hormones, sex and aging, and new ways to think about building a sexual relationship as an adult. If you’re both willing to do the work, there are absolutely pathways back into closeness and shared sexual connection.

If your partner is NOT willing to work on it…

This is arguably a more difficult dynamic to explore. Many couples love their partners very much, and yet are deeply missing the sexual connection—and for the other person it might not feel like a big deal at all.

Working with a therapist or coach will still be very helpful here, as they can help you untangle long-held beliefs about sexuality, explore your current needs/desires, and find the next best steps. Let’s explore some options that you can consider.

You can stay in partnership, and explore sex for one. You are always your own best lover, and you can take this opportunity to get really sexy with yourself and focus on a solo sex life. This can include self-pleasure practices, erotic imagery (pornography, camming, chats), audio erotica, written erotica, and being in sexually relevant spaces (BDSM events, sex parties).

You can change your relationship agreements. If you and your partner have historically been monogamous, you can open up your relationship to explore sex with other people. This might be one or more partners, or it might be through group spaces like sexual play parties. Perhaps your partner will want to remain sexless while you engage with others, or perhaps you can both go out and explore separately with other partners. Any relationship agreement can work as long as you have thoughtful conversations about it and keep to your agreements.

You can cheat. Generally, I’m on the side of honesty in relationships, but it makes sense why some people would choose to use infidelity as a way to deal with a sexless partnership. They can keep the relationship at home the same, not have the difficult conversations, nor take self-responsibility for their role in the dynamic, while getting their sexual needs met. But for many of us, the emotional cost is simply too high. While it might be illicit and fun, it can lead to shame, embarrassment, or self-hatred, so it’s not always the easiest answer. It’s also more likely to cause harm in the long-term.

You can leave the relationship. I know it’s hard to blow up your life: I’ve done it a few times and it sucks in a thousand ways. But if you’ve tried the therapy and hard conversations, and your partner isn’t willing to discuss or work on this, you are allowed to set yourself free.

In her book Untamed, Glennon Doyle walks us through her decision-making process that led to her divorce. She reminds us that, “liberation is not a one-way street.” When you set yourself free, you set others free, too.

I often remind my clients that you are allowed to be selfish, you are allowed to care for yourself and ALL your needs. I think it’s worth the work of figuring it out, and worth the time and energy it takes to get clarity. I know that partnership can be a container for growth and healing, but not everyone actually wants that. If you think you’ve done all you can (and that your partner has done all they can/will do), then you are allowed to set yourself free.

Love this conversation and want to learn more? Watch my partner and I share our experience and wisdom about this topic in the free replay of my April workshop focused on Sexless Partnerships.

Want to get deeper, higher, and more sexy?

For those that want to explore more about sacred sexuality and find deeper realms of pleasure, join my free, monthly online Mindful Sex workshops focused on juicy topics like this. I’ll be teaching a free workshop focused on the juicy exploration of Healing Trauma in Relationships on May 3, 2025. All other times, my work is available for your exploration: find my writings here on Conscious City Guide, get my shame-free pleasure education on Patreon, find me on my Instagram, or reach out to connect.

More About the Author: I help people build stronger relationships, create intimate communication, explore their desires, and practice sensual connection in a grounded, holistic way. My approach to coaching and teaching uses tools from Tantra, mindfulness, and yoga to help you find new ways of relating to yourself and others, and will create space for you to rethink sex and pleasure.