Self-Pleasure is True Self-Care

This post was written by Community Partner, Pleasure Coach & Sex Educator Andrea Bertoli

What would change about your sex life if you reimagined self-pleasure as a healing practice? What if solo play wasn’t just something to do before bed or for a midday quickie—but as a mindful, intentional process by which we get to better understand our needs, desires, and practice self-love?

In my work as a Holistic Pleasure Coach and Sex Educator, I help people build better sex lives and deeper connections. For most of us, this work starts within our own bodies and how we approach sex with ourselves. In this article I’ll share my musings about self-pleasure, self-consent, and how pleasure can be a big part of your self-healing toolkit.

And yes! This is an article about masturbation.

If your ‘yuck’ response is kicking in, I invite you to pause, reflect, and stick around for just another few minutes so that you can get curious about why you feel turned off by the idea of self-pleasure. On the other hand, if you have a very robust masturbation practice, I hope you, too, stay until the end to think about pleasure in a new light.

Building Pleasure Pathways

Just like our brain is wired to follow the same neural pathways, we also have pleasure pathways that can be expanded and explored. We can approach touch in new ways so that we build new pleasure pathways in our body, thereby increasing our overall pleasure. Quite simply, the more ways we experience pleasure, the more fun we can have! This is great for solo play, but it’s also helpful for partnered play.

Understanding our pleasure pathways as malleable is especially helpful if you are trying a new experience or a new toy. By pairing what you know with something new, you can make new pathways in the brain and connect the pleasurable sensations. For example, when my clients are interested in anal exploration, I advise them to combine anal stimulation with something they already like (ie: using their favorite vibrator and then trying bum stuff, or stimulating their penis while adding a butt plug). Adding the new alongside regular stimulation can literally rewire our brain and help us add to our experience. I did this myself as I was practicing my own self-paced introduction to butt stuff, and, well… let’s just say it was a wild success.

Self-Pleasure and Self-Consent

Most of my clients (of all genders) have a hard time knowing what they need and desire. We are told not to be ‘too needy’ or ‘too selfish,’ and then as adults we don’t actually know what our needs are. One of the practices I do in my group classes is to get people to write down 10 things they want. Anything goes here: I want a manicure, I want to save the Irrawaddy river dolphins, I want to have a baby, I want to take a nap. More often than not, people simply cannot make a list of even ten things they truly want.

After decades of being told not to be ‘too much,’ most of us dismiss our beautiful human needs and put others’ needs before our own. People-pleasing behaviors that ignore our own priorities in order to be of service to others’ needs might feel good in the moment, but work against our own internal wisdom and keep us further from our desires. This might look like saying yes when we don’t want to (because it’s easier) or doing something you don’t like (because we’re afraid of what will happen if we say no). We can break free from these self-destructive behaviors, and it starts with practicing self-consent.

We often think of consent in terms of sexual agreement, a simple yes/no. That is important, and ensures that all parties involved are in agreement about the activities that will take place. Consent is vital to a healthy relationship, and there is a lot of nuance to the consent conversations that might surprise you. To learn more, read about the 3 Things this Sex Coach wants you to know about Consent.

But if we’re not clear what our core needs and desires are, how can we really consent?

Self-consent is one of the ways we start to tune into our own needs, and our solo play time is an ideal time to practice self-consent. When you decide to self-pleasure, really tune in. Ask yourself questions like, what might make it 10% more enjoyable? Create an ambiance that helps you relax, just because it’s good for you! Turning on/off some lights, putting on socks, listening to some specific music. Ask yourself: what do I want to feel during this session? What toys or touch might I enjoy most? Ask again, what would make this 10% more enjoyable?

And then you continue to check in with yourself for the duration, especially before any penetration. Whether you’re penetrating your vagina or your bum, you can start really gently and genuinely ask yourself, ‘Am I ready for this?’ I invite you to honor exactly what comes up, without falling into judgment or trying to change it. The only intention is pure exploration, not some end goal or finish line. There might be part of you that is feeling playful, and part of you that’s feeling scared. Honor both of these parts, and feel into each, giving both parts space to be heard and felt in your body. Learn to listen to your own NO and your own deeply joyful YES.

And if you feel a NO from your body, honor that.

Learning how to incorporate this might mean changing up your patterns or habits, but it will give you valuable insight into your needs, desires, and how you might be evermore gentle with yourself.

Pleasure is a Practice

Like any skill—yoga, financial management, tennis, or French—the more we practice, the more masterful we become. And yet it’s not about just learning one way and then doing that forever—it’s really an ongoing opportunity for skills-building. Quite simply, using mindfulness tools gives us space to FEEL MORE. In fact, the same principles of embodiment apply to both sex and yoga.

And yet, so many of us learn to masturbate as teenagers—secretive, quiet, and fast. And many of us continue the same practices throughout our decades of play. There’s nothing wrong with finding your pleasure and sticking with ‘what works,’ especially for those of us for whom pleasure or orgasm has been elusive. This happens in long-term partnerships too: couples find their ‘sex scripts’ and stick to it because it works.

Approaching pleasure as a practice invites us into a deeper level of exploration, giving you an opportunity to discover MORE of your sexual expression.

When we choose to make pleasure a practice, we can set aside time to nourish ourselves in this very specific way, for the pure joy of self-loving. When we are curious about our bodies, our energy, and our breath, we can be more playful and open to what might arise, and allow all parts of our sensual, sexual selves to be seen.

Resources for Pleasure Exploration

One of the many incredible therapists in my life asked what the best resources are for someone looking to expand or start anew their pleasure practice. Below are four new ways to think about play to inspire you to pursue your pleasure as a mindful erotic exploration.

1️⃣ Space // time: Everyone is busy, yes. But our energy goes where our intention flows. If you want to have more pleasure in your life, you need to prioritize it. Maybe it’s an extra 10 minutes in the morning, or a longer shower, or maybe you have the luxury of a whole night at home by yourself. I love scheduling things on my calendar, including quiet time for myself.

2️⃣ Intention // attention: Remember there is no goal during a pleasure practice. Practice mindfulness, slowness, intentional self-love, and enjoy giving yourself a gift.

3️⃣ Sensation Play: Open your heart/mind/body to the joy of exploration. Even if you have a regular play practice, try new things (new location, new time of day) and if you want to really vary your sensation, try some new toys (or try your old toys in new ways… like some vibes on your nipples, maybe?). Adding new lube, enjoying snacks or sips while self-pleasuring, or simply listening to new music can enhance your range or sensations.

4️⃣ Enjoy your sensuality by tapping into all your senses. Imagine hearing your favorite type of music, the sound of the wind in the trees, or the giggle of your lover. Taste the rich, heavy flavor of a fresh cup of coffee or red wine, or the way that bubbles from sparkling water taste metallic and acidic as they dance on your tongue. Feel your hands on animal fur, your own hair or smooth scalp, warm oil or a silky body wash on your skin. Envision the most gorgeous sunset, a stunning mandala, or the twinkle of Christmas lights in the snow. By enjoying the world of sensation outside of us, we can practice tuning into the world of sensation within.

If you want to learn to apply these mindful and intentional tools to transform your pleasure and play, I invite you into my January course, Mindful Sex for Everybody. This 60-minute class is for anyone curious about walking the pleasure path. I’m offering this course as a free community offering to help you explore.