Are you in a Cult?
Spiritual communities are powerful. They support your healing and encourage practices and habits which can accelerate your growth. And a teacher who has travelled a little further along the path of self-actualization is helpful in navigating the often treacherous internal landscape. And yet, there are humans involved, and where there are humans, there are egos. And when a powerful ego gets the taste for devotees, it can get dangerous.
Having dipped my toes in the waters of a few “communities” and philosophies, I know the allure, power, and the dangers of a cult. I’ve watched intelligent, powerful people lose themselves to a guru or group. Not all are nefarious, but some certainly are.
So I asked Dr. Erin Falconer, who counsels people leaving cults and coercive communities, how to tell if your community is dangerous, especially if you’ve ever thought: Am I in a cult?
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Does your community pity people outside their community? Think of them as less awake? Vibrating at a lower frequency? Following false prophets?
- Do you find yourself getting angry and defending your community whenever it is questioned?
- Is your identity tied to the community?
If you left, would you lose your identity? - Is there a single leader or couple at the top of your community?
- Do you let your community make major life decisions for you? (Who to marry, what to name your children, which profession to take, where to live)
- Does a large amount of your resources (time & money) go into supporting your community or taking its courses?
- Does the leader expect people who work for them on a part-time or full-time basis to work for free?
- Does the leader live in luxury?
- Does your leader have sexual relationships with people within the community?
- Does your community have its own lingo/ vocabulary?
- Does your leader do things they prohibit their followers from doing?
- Is the leader above the law?
- Does your community/practices often deprive you of sleep or food?
- Does the leader not have friends/ colleagues considered their equals?
- Do you speak to your family less than you did before the community?
Did you stop speaking to them completely? - Have you ended or distanced yourself from longtime friendships and relationships since finding this community?
- Are you encouraged to bring people in or convert non-believers?
Do you try to “sell” your community? - Do you have to lie for your community?
- Does your community discourage, ridicule, or cut-off people who want to leave?
- Do people outside your community find your gaze uncomfortable?
Do they look away or blink often? - Did any of these questions make you angry?
How To Leave a Cult/ Community
Re-engage relationships
If your life is centered around your community, leaving can leave you feeling alone and unsupported. Before you leave, re-engage or find a support system. If you cut off friends and family, invite a new conversation or connection. If you can, be open about the reasons you distanced yourself and open to receive their reactions. If that sounds to confronting, a baby step could be finding new connections outside of your community.
Explore other modalities
Engaging in other spiritual practices may remind you that the truth can be found in a multitude of paths, not dictated by a single community/ leader. You have an innate wisdom, power, and inner guidance. You don’t need an outside leader when all of the power is within you. However, if you’ve been in the habit of relying on a leader’s wisdom, find other sources of wisdom until you learn to trust your inner teacher.
Get grounded in who you are
Re-engage with what brought you joy before you joined your community. Even simple things like watching a movie you used to love, walking through a part of town you haven’t been to in a wile, or reading a favorite childhood book, can spark memories of who you were outside of the community.
Do you keep a journal? Read passages from before you found your community.
If you changed what you wore to fit in with the community, wear something from the back of your closet. Ideally, choose clothes that you used to love to wear.
Leave if it is safe and have a support system in place
In most cases, leaving your community will only mean you have to deal with the loss of a friend group and spiritual practice. However, some communities are more dangerous. You only need to look at past tragedies like the Jonestown Massacre to know that it is wise to leave a coercive group as safely as possible.
Depending on how enmeshed in the community you are, this could mean a slow, gentle extraction. You will want to have your own place to live, employment outside of your community, and outside social support.
When your support system is in place and you feel safe, reduce your commitments (time and financial) and eventually extract yourself completely.
If you feel leaving could incite violence or financial retaliation, get a cult exit counsellor to help you extract yourself safely and effectively. This could mean taking precautions such as getting a new phone number or changing cities.
Get therapy or find a cult exit counsellor for guidance
Cult exiting is a new and rare field of therapy. You may need to work online and get virtual therapy if a counsellor is not available in your city. We have worked with Dr. Erin Falconer and People Leave Cults, who work online and who we recommend wholeheartedly, whether for yourself or helping a loved one exit a cult.
All of this said, don’t let the risk of losing yourself prevent you from finding yourself. Explore modalities and communities safely and with sovereignty.
