This post was written by Community Partner, Holistic Pleasure Coach & Sex Educator Andrea Bertoli.

There are lots of ways to explore non-monogamous relating. My experience—drawn from my professional role guiding others and garnered from my own lived struggles—can help you make sure your non-monogamous partnership is thriving… not just surviving. Having lived through some truly  terrible open partnerships—I’m here to help you navigate this often complex world of polyamory or non-monogamous relationships. 

For those just adventuring into the waters of non-monogamous relating, consider this article the tip of the iceberg. There are so many fabulous books to read, workshops to explore, and oh-so-much wisdom to be gained through trial-and-error. Regardless of the labels, there are some clear things to look for and things to avoid when deciding to create or evolve into a non-monogamous relationship. I’ve worked with so many curious couples (and had my own lived experiences). There are A LOT more to consider, and that where longer form books, workshops, and classes will be helpful. 

On a positive note, I’ve also included a few green flags to consider, with input from my Sex Therapist husband. 

A note about terminology: language is always evolving. For this article, I’m choosing to use non-monogamy as an umbrella term for anyone exploring sex and pleasure outside the bounds of monogamy (defined as sexual/emotional connection between two people only). Under this umbrella terms, you can include open relationships, polyamory, monogamish, and relationship anarchy. I love whatever option you choose for yourself (and your partners). The terms I use here might differ slightly from how you define your relationship. For some folks, labels are super helpful, and others labels feel too constricting. 

Red Flags in Non-Monogamy 

One-Penis Policy 🚩

This is a hard no from this feminist, inclusive, pansexual babe. A one-penis policy (OPP) shows up in male-female relationships where the woman wants to explore with other women. In an OPP agreement, the woman can have sex with other women, but not other men. Hard pass here, my dudes. 

This line of thinking is rooted in misogyny and heteronormative sex scripts. This could be rooted in the idea that sex with other women ‘doesn’t count’ (aka, it doesn’t hurt his ego; is non-threatening). It might be that sex with other women isn’t ‘real sex’ (aka, sex only counts if a penis is included). Or it might be coming from a deeply rooted (and still problematic) sense of possessiveness. 

OPP is also rooted in a binary understanding of gender-based attraction: what happens if your lady wants to date a transwoman, or is interested in someone that identifies as non-binary/gender-fluid? Does it make a difference if they have a penis, a vulva, or something else? If you’re the straight partner, you get to play with 100% of the people you’re attracted to,  but your bisexual babe only has access to ~50% of the people she’s attracted to! Not only does this circumscribe her innate desires, it requires her to mute her desires. And guess what? When we repress one aspect of our sexuality, our whole sexual self suffers. Interrogation of your own biases and rooted jealousy is imperative for everyone, but especially those that think this optino is a good idea. 

Breaking agreements 🚩

Each couple that ventures into the world of non-monogamous relating will start with some rules. The rules you make at the beginning might not look the same after a month or a year in the wild, and that’s OK—and they might wildly differ from other folks in this space. The point is that we’re making agreements together—both with continued dialogue and discussion, but more importantly, agreeing to play within the boundaries we’ve set. 

Agreements might sound something like: you can’t fuck anyone in our bed; you must use protection when you have genitla touch, or text me if you’re not going to come home tonight. 

And ideally, your partner and you both abide by these rules until you collectively decide that rule is no longer working for you. But if you have a partner that constantly breaks the rules that you’ve curated together, this is a big red flag. 

In a previous partnership, our agreement was to use condoms when we had penetrative sex. When my partner went on a trip, I bought him condoms and cute undies so that he could have fun… But the condoms came home unused: he had had (very drunk) sex with multiple partners during the week without any protection. This put me, and his other lovers, at risk. This was just one of a zillion ways he broke trust, over and over. When someone flagrantly ignores the agreement that you’ve created, they are creating a fundamentally unsafe partnership for your needs and boundaries to be respected.  

Trying to Keep Things ‘Balanced’ 🚩

This might sound like a good idea at first, but if you dig a bit deeper, you’ll find the flaws. This idea of ‘balance’ might sound like: If I go on a date, you can go on a date; or, if I fuck someone this weekend, you can fuck someone next weekend. 

You probably know that dating is pretty difficult, hard stop. And non-monogamous dating is even more so (oh, the scheduling!). So, in theory this idea of balance sounds like it’s creating fairness in the partnership, but it can create pressure and harm when it inevitably doesn’t work out. Relationships are organic things, and rushing them or trying to fit them into a box doesn’t honor the autonomy of everyone involved.  

This often happens in heterosexual partnerships, where the woman gets a ton of interest on dating apps or at parties, while the man gets many fewer flirtations. It’s not you—this is the nature of dating (and dating apps) across the board. If you genuinely want your partner to be sexually free, you’ll each get to find dates and lovers that work for you on your unique timeline. This might mean being alone on a Saturday night when your babe is out—Sex Therapist and ENM expert Martha Kauppi reminds us all to ‘get a life’ so that we can still be out having fun when our lover is on a date. Instead of trying to shoe-horn dates into the evenings when my previous partner was on a date, I’ll connect with friends, go to yoga, or truly enjoy the alone time. You get to decide what feels best while being self-resourced. 

Expecting your partner to like all the people you like 🚩

“But they are so cute, and they want to have sex with us—so you should WANT to have sex with them.” This was the actual logic my ex used to try to convince me to have sex with a lovely couple. I did indeed like them, but I was not attracted to them. 

Just like the notes above about balance, each sexual/relational experience needs its own timeline. Our sexuality is not a lightswitch—we need slowness, safety, and connection to be turned on. And our desires are SO unique to all of us—we each have an erotic mosaic that informs the who/what/when/how of our sexuality. And no amount of reasoning, logic, or pure push from another will get you there… it’s much more likely to create resentment, frustration, and distrust. 

Not being a good ‘hinge.’  🚩

I learned this one from my current partner, who explains that being a ‘strong hinge’ means standing strong in your own needs and desires, while not throwing your partner under the bus. This looks like owning your own desires, needs, schedule, and mess-ups, not blaming someone else. 

For example, one way to approach a scheduling miscommunication could be: “I’m sorry I have to cancel our first date, but my wife says we already had something planned.”

As a strong hinge, you would take ownership of the problem, and not make your wife the scapegoat for your mistake: “I messed up my calendar, and I’m so sorry but I need to reschedule with you for next weekend.”

You get to take full responsibility for your choices, and make it clear that you’re choosing something else, not just being swept up in someone else’s tides (or schedule). This also means being clear about your desires, needs, and agreements with others so that it honors your partner’s boundaries. 

Green Flags in Non-Monogamy 💚

And as a bonus, I want to share some beautifully green flags that you can cultivate in your relationship to keep things humming along safely, kindly, and sweetly. 

They are open to your desires, even if it makes them uncomfortable 💚

If you’re open to non-monogamy, you probably operate from the baseline wisdom that no one person can fulfill all your sexual needs. This might show up when one person wants to explore Tantra or go to sex parties, and you’re not sure why you’d ever want to do that and why and how?!? 

Instead, you can choose to get super curious, reminding yourself that they are their own sexual person, and trusting that your relationship container is strong enough to hold all of your shared and separate desires is A+ green flag behavior. 

They interrogate their own jealousy 💚 

Ah, jealousy. One of the most common questions in the non-monogamy world. Jealousy is a natural human emotion that can show up when you least expect it. Knowing that it’s a valid emotional experience, naming it to yourself and your partner(s), and working through it (with a therapist, with your partner) can give us a healthy expression of jealousy—and what emotions or needs lie beneath it. 

Sexual Energy is Unending! 💚

Different lovers/relationships can each bring different energy into our life, and allow us to explore all the different facets of ourselves (sexually and otherwise). Understanding our differences, and how we each compliment each other, is A+ partnered behavior, because strong, conscious relationships start with differentiation! 

And perhaps their play outside the relationship fuels your energy at home, and makes them a happier, more fulfilled human. This is something that my partner and I have talked about at length in our workshops and classes: our play outside the relationship should ultimately fuel us individually—and therefore fuel the relationship. So often a crush or a play party or a sexy threesome can inspire so much desire and fantasy and play for us in the days and weeks afterwards. 

Gentle Self-Inquiry 💚

Whether you choose therapy, sex coaching, or self-learning, being curious about your growth as a human is fundamental for great relationships. Learning more about who you are sexually is the journey of a lifetime. If you explore non-monogamy, there is a lot of self-inquiry and learning that needs to happen to deconstruct monogamous social conditioning, dismantling compulsory heterosexuality (comphet), and literally rewriting your own unique relationship scripts. To dive deeper into this world, I love the book Polysecure by Jessica Fern, and the foundational book for this work is The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. For social media learning, I love learning from Polyphilia and Polyam While Asian, and Remodeled Love. 

May this wisdom and these resources guide you on your sexual and relational adventures! 

Want to get deeper, higher, and more sexy? 

For those that want to explore more about sacred sexuality and find deeper realms of pleasure, join my free, monthly online Mindful Sex workshops focused on juicy topics like this. I’ll be teaching a free workshop exploring your multi-dimensional erotic self on August 2, 2025. Until then, my work is available for your exploration: find my writings here on Conscious City Guide, get my shame-free pleasure education on Patreon, find me on my Instagram, or reach out to connect. 

Andrea’s Upcoming Events:

• 

  Saturday Feb 14| Online

  Erotic Liberation: Mindful Sex Monthly [FREE]

  Event Info